If one thing works in S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, it’s the incomprehensible name generator for random NPCs

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2: Heart of Chornobyl stays largely faithful to the original series’ bleak yet inquisitive tone and propensity for technical problems, but there’s another, much smaller feature that it also brings back: silly titles for its lesser NPCs. All the major and side characters are, indeed, characters, but rather than leave inconsequential henchmen and roving bandits nameless, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 assigns Zone-merc handles to each and every one of them. Some try to sound badass, some might as well have been chosen by the owner panickedly looking around the room for something to name himself after, and all of them sound like they should be on the actor’s wall in Toast of London.

Because your life partly depends on relieving slain foes of their belongings, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 encourages you to get up close and looty with these blokes, meaning you end up spending a lot of time reading goofy nicknames. I thought I’d pay tribute to the best ones I’ve seen so far, even if the majority of these honours will need to be given posthumously.

Ivan Magnet, who attracted one too many bullets.

Sashko Sick, hence the mask.

Tolyan Funky, a gifted dancer if his AI ever let him leave this wall.

Hosha Kickass, who didn’t.

Borko Decibel, silenced forever.

Slava Proton, staying positive.

David Powerlifter, earning the maddest gain of all: eternal rest.

Alex the Gherkin, a nice guy but kinda fucking up the naming conventions.

Lyonya Degree, first class with honours, honest.

Kostya Lexicon, now a man of few words.

Ian Barrel, ageing no longer.

And lastly, Ivan Thermos. His body’s not even cold yet.