I’ve been staring at the moon for so long that the man in it’s taken out an injunction.
I’m no longer allowed to come within landing distance of his little ball in the sky. I may never find out if it’s made of cheese. It’s a necessary sacrifice.
Because I think the moon might have something to say about GTA 6. Some lunar leaks, some interstellar info to convey about what won’t just be the biggest game of 2025, but the biggest event human history has ever seen. Scratch that, that the universe has ever seen.
The kind of s**t that’d make Doctor Manhattan stop, draw in breath, and start thinking about making sure he was there to witness it firsthand. It’s much, much, bigger than the Nintendo Switch 2 reveal which happened last week, or so the fellow GTA superfan I’ve employed to keep an eye on everything else happening in the world while I continue to stare at this moon tells me.
However, I drag my eyes away for a few minutes, because what if – I ask myself, in a voice that’s some weird, monstrous amalgamation of every GTA protagonist ever – the Switch 2 reveal has anything to tell us about GTA 6?
Unlikely, yes, but that’s what they – our mysterious, mischievous masters at Rockstar would want us to think. It’s a Nintendo console launch, no secrets about GTA 6 hidden here, just a bit of Mario and some Joy-Cons, yes? No, I say, I will not write you off without thorough interrogation, like Trevor Phillips did to Mr K in the GTA 5 mission ‘By The Book’. I will hook a car battery up to your nipples if needs be, Nintendo! Now, TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!
Things start off pretty un-GTA 6. There’s a Nintendo logo. Hang on a minute, there’s a little R in a circle near the top of the last O. Rockstar’s logo’s an R, albeit a with a different font. It could still be a message that the developer is here, in the background of this Switch reveal, its hand on Nintendo’s shoulder like Roman teaching Niko how to perfect his bowling stance.
We’ll have to watch on. There’s a Nintendo Switch. GTA 5 isn’t on Switch, except when it was thanks to modders. Maybe GTA 6 will be coming to the original Switch? As a launch title. I know, it’s a console that’s literally having its replacement revealed right here and will therefore soon be a bit out-of-date, but this is Rockstar, and you have to expect the unexpected.
The Switch splits into three bits. GTA 5 had three protagonists. GTA 6 has two protagonists, Switch 2, hang on, SWITCH 2 PROTAGONISTS. Does that confirm it? Yes. No. Maybe. We’ll have to watch on. The Switch starts spinning, and some weird chips come off it. It reminds me of a car spinning out of control, with tyre smoke coming off of its, well, tyres. GTA has cars. With tyres that smoke. I’ve spun out while driving around Los Santos more times than I can count.
This is promising. We must watch on. It’s growing some new ports. THE PORT OF LOS SANTOS, WHICH PLAYS A BIG ROLE IN GTA 5’S MERRYWEATHER HEIST. Especially if you choose the freighter option. Ports confirmed in GTA 6? That first trailer sure had a lot of water, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
Then there are lines, which give way to a stand. People do lines in pretty much every GTA game. Drugs confirmed in GTA 6? Stand. You can stand in a GTA game. Your character can literally stand, and there are also things like bus stands. It’s fake America, so no one’s gonna be using them because they all have great massive SUVs and Ford Mustangs…sorry, Vapid Dominators, but they’re there.
Then, it jumps. You can jump in GTA games. Kind of. It’s more of a weird forward fall unless you’re actually next to a ledge, but it’s something. Ooh. The Switch is turning black. Like the black screen some GTA 5 players on PC were once greeted with on loading up the game due to an issue. GTA 6 coming to PC at the same time it hits Switch 2, maybe? They are very similar platforms, in that they both play video games, and have computery bits inside.
It zooms in on one of the controllers, and a kinda flesh-coloured bit starts protruding from it. I can’t even begin to recall every single instance in GTA games when a flesh-coloured thing has protruded. Or been implied to protrude. There are just too many. The other one has something blue protruding from it. There are also too many times in GTA when it’s been implied that something protruding got blue – if you see what they’re clearly implying here – to count. Good, the old Rockstar sense of humour in GTA 6, confirmed.
Ah, now the Joy-Cons seem to be sliding around like computer mice. It’s a bit like they’re having a…race. Races, of course, have always been a big thing in GTA – especially with online lately, an entire generation of YouTubers having been weaned from the teat on endless playlists where you’re driving about on a Hot Wheels track in the sky, doing jumps, getting the boost, crashing into people, having them scream into a camera rather than leaving you a message that you should probably call the police about.
More races in GTA 6 maybe? Against giant mice? No, that’s absurd. Two Joy-Cons. Maybe multiplayer races in the singleplayer bit? Singleplayer races in the multiplayer bit? A LAN Party mode? Just a s**t tonne more online races for you show off whatever the GTA 6 equivalent of the chrome-wrapped Adder will be early in its lifespan? All I know is, my mind’s certainly racing.
The Joy-Cons join with the screen to make one device. Three becomes one? Can’t be the protagonists again. Hang on. 2 become 1. Are the Spice Girls recording new music for GTA 6’s soundtrack? Surely not. Rockstar does love its 90s and early 2000s pop tunes, though. Will the entire GTA 6 soundtrack – aside from that one Tom Petty song, obviously – be performed by the Spice Girls? Even the heavy metal, rap, and country stations? Are we gonna be able to rob a store while blasting a version of Wannabe where the ‘Yo, tell me what you want, what you really really want’ is preceded by a death growl from the depths of Emma Bunton’s soul that perforates every single eardrum within a fifty mile radius?
Sorry, I’ve gotten lost in thought. There’s now Mario Kart on the thing. GTA Online’s very Mario Kart-style races getting an actual Mario Kart crossover confirmed? Mario as the guy who runs all of GTA 6 online’s races? It wouldn’t be the first time a guy with Italian ancestry has featured prominently in a GTA game. Is Mario mob-affiliated? Has he brought his crime family down from Liberty City to Vice City, making the same trip Tommy Vercetti did all those years ago?
S**t, is Mario the bad guy? Will GTA 6’s tale of Bonnie and Clyde-style lovers revolve around them building up to one final big stick-up on the overall-wearing king of Vice running things like a mustachioed Scarface, with a mushroom-fueled drug empire and trophy wife named Peach that he married after taking out the King Koopa who used to rule the streets?
2025, the Switch 2 reveal says. S**t, that’s when GTA 6 is coming out! It’s all true, it has to be! Thank you, Nintendo! Thank you for all of this GTA 6 info, I howl at the moon.
The man in it looks down and sighs. He picks up a phone made of cheese, and calls his lawyer.