The wallpaper on my phone is of a nondescript street in Shibuya. If I hold my thumb down on the photo in my phone’s gallery, it actually springs to life for a few seconds and rewinds time in the process. It shows me wobble the phone into position and take the snap: a giant crab clings to a restaurant, a lady totters towards us with a white plastic bag looped around her arm, colourful signs stacked like Legos jut out of grey, “The Body Shop” lies in the distance because of course it does.
It means a lot to me, this photo. It’s the precise moment I felt excitement shoot through my chest, a pang of “I can’t believe I’m back”. Then the next morning, a jolt that, in hindsight, definitely altered my brain chemistry. A wave of, “I finally get to disconnect and in many ways, I get to reconnect, too”.
After seven years at Gamer Network (GN), my game-words generator has spluttered to a halt. I suppose it was inevitable, really, that years of churning out guides and laying my metaphorical protractor on frames would eventually take its toll. Time spent with Skull And Bones last year certainly didn’t help.
And to be honest, I’ve seen a lot of folks move on and the team morph and the company ahem… shift countless times. I miss what I refer to as the Golden Age, where I’d say hello to the multi-talented doorman Thanos (a lovely upbeat guy who could simultaneously snap you in two with his pinky and tell you all about the plants he’d bury you with), wander up the stairs, say hello to the folks in Party Corner, before we’d all stand next to a coffee machine called Bravilor Bonamat as it deposited thick tar into a large silver jug.
I miss going to the local Co-op and buying a meal deal with Tom. I miss going to Meatliquor and having a buffalo chicken burger whose juices left my hands stained orange and smelling slightly of battery acid. I miss the AGMs where everyone knew each other. I miss discussing the latest episode of Love Island with James and Alice on bright, summer mornings. I miss talking wanky coffee with Will. I miss watching over Jake’s shoulder as he plays some 6/10 nonsense. Bothering Hirun. Filming with Dine. Listening to Joel’s booming tone.
RPS has been a grand old time and I’m sure I’ll mourn leaving for a long, long while. Writing for the site’s been a wonderful thing, made better by working with extremely talented people like all current and former staffers, lots of fantastic freelancers, and other GN heroes. A certain Donlan who commissioned my first ever feature having heard me froth at the mouth when talking about Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy across the office. A certain John, who mentored me when I first started in the industry. Alice Bee for her endless patience and wisdom. Liam, who I miss sighing with on YouTube. My pod pals Hayden and Imogen. Too many others. I’ve learned an awful lot about how to do words and help make videos and express myself in an Edders Way thanks to all of them.
But ultimately, I think I need to get out of my flat and interact with actual people during the day again. I’ve remote worked for so long that I’ve become somewhat of a reclusive goblin with a recurring back injury I’m desperate to shake. Recently, I’ve thought more and more about my mental and physical health and my trip to Japan in 2023. I long for the disconnect that holiday brought, of exploring and enriching different parts of myself that had either lain dormant or hadn’t even been discovered yet. Not that I don’t find writing about games fulfilling, I really do! I find I’m looking to the past more than I am the future here, though, and that’s a sign I need to bow out before I entirely burn out.
Not only do I want to – cringe inbound – challenge myself, I want to reconnect with games again and get that Oblivion feeling, which the nature of our work gradually dulls. You know the moment: emerging from the dark to a vast open world of rolling hills, a gleaming city in the distance resting atop crystalline waters and swaying trees, and thinking, “Woah, I really can go anywhere”.
Anyway, that’s enough of this self indulgence. Thanks to everyone who’s ever enjoyed my words and to GN for a great 7 years (I think my favourite piece I’ve ever written is about Gears and badminton having more in common than you might think). Maybe in the future you’ll see me pop up and write some words about a tactical FPS or a Yakuza 10, but for now it’s time to give it a rest and be a fan from afar. Keep hydrated, watch your posture, moisturise, turn off mouse acceleration and take care!